They always say "don't put that in writing" so, some things, I don't. It wouldn't incriminate me. I will say that.
I hate to be vague but I can't share it. If it's in writing, it could come back and bite us in the butt.
So, a difficult day at work. All the machines were working but Ron was in a really bad mood. He was polite to the customers, though.
I didn't appreciate the verbal abuse, telling me I am no good at work. Who fixes all the machines? Who does the repairman trust with the "secret methods and modes" to use to correct naughty machines? Who cleans out the coin jams, does the inventory, BUYS the inventory. When I was taking the money out it was pretty apparent they really like what I'm doing in the snack machines. I didn't argue with him, though, that would validate it. I was hurt, though. I wish I had a switch and I could turn it off when he gets going, and not take anything he says, but I'm not wired that way. I guess I would have to completely harden my heart altogether and that would pretty much end the marriage.
And this on the heels of him actually coming out with me on a Bible Handout for the first time in over a year. I was so happy about that. Yeah, he had a lousy mood going to and from. But he had a good attitude during and the murder tattoo recipient really liked what he had to say. I think she's like me, been burned too many times by "loving" women so she trusts men more. But that's another blog.
At any rate, I was so thrilled and pleased to get "old Ron" back for a couple of hours. Then, he got home and started drinking again. He didn't let me sleep last night, either.
It's like bipolar in a lot of ways. The illness takes over and transforms the loved one into someone you basically hate. You would do anything to purge that part of them. Then they come back and they are the person you love, considerate, caring, and generous, and you would do anything to keep them. It's awful.
And I understand that Ron went through this for over a decade with me, before my diagnosis. But only a psychologist could tell me why Ron started binge drinking when I got better. I will never understand that, but the timing is very clear, right after I started on my medication, Ron accelerated the drinking. Now I am basically fine (clinically speaking, I still go up and down but nothing too wild), and he's anything but. It's AWFUL.
So we finished work and came home. Since I had been sleep deprived (but I had Torbie!) I took a nap. I woke up on my own at around 1, with a headache. I took something and got up, went to get a drink, and found Ron passed out on the kitchen floor.
[sigh] At least he was pretty quiet during my nap.
Here's the fun part, Eric is coming over. He is doing something computer related, and then we're going out to dinner. It may be the 2 of us, if Ron doesn't sober up. I have no problem going out if Ron is impaired and on the floor.
Going to be a big eye opener for Eric. He reads the blog and comments sometimes. You know all that in the blog? I wasn't kidding. [sigh] I would have rather had a more presentable husband, though. But Eric is coming in 2-3 hours and I don't think Ron will be ready by then.
Well, Al-anon says don't let the drunk (not their word) stop your life, so I won't. I cleaned the drains, working on a load of laundry, did my God Time. All while Ron's flat on the floor, moaning occasionally. Oh, snoring now. I just need to bag up some Driver Candy.
He has 53 minutes to make trips for tomorrow. Let me see if he did. Nope. No trips. I'm not going to wake him up. I'm not going to make the trips for him. Let him pay for cabs, and maybe he will learn. See, I don't enable. An enabler would be having vapors right about now.
I'm just sad. This isn't my husband. This is the lowest common denominator. But now and then I get an inspiring peek that the old Ron is in there.
I hate to be vague but I can't share it. If it's in writing, it could come back and bite us in the butt.
So, a difficult day at work. All the machines were working but Ron was in a really bad mood. He was polite to the customers, though.
I didn't appreciate the verbal abuse, telling me I am no good at work. Who fixes all the machines? Who does the repairman trust with the "secret methods and modes" to use to correct naughty machines? Who cleans out the coin jams, does the inventory, BUYS the inventory. When I was taking the money out it was pretty apparent they really like what I'm doing in the snack machines. I didn't argue with him, though, that would validate it. I was hurt, though. I wish I had a switch and I could turn it off when he gets going, and not take anything he says, but I'm not wired that way. I guess I would have to completely harden my heart altogether and that would pretty much end the marriage.
And this on the heels of him actually coming out with me on a Bible Handout for the first time in over a year. I was so happy about that. Yeah, he had a lousy mood going to and from. But he had a good attitude during and the murder tattoo recipient really liked what he had to say. I think she's like me, been burned too many times by "loving" women so she trusts men more. But that's another blog.
At any rate, I was so thrilled and pleased to get "old Ron" back for a couple of hours. Then, he got home and started drinking again. He didn't let me sleep last night, either.
It's like bipolar in a lot of ways. The illness takes over and transforms the loved one into someone you basically hate. You would do anything to purge that part of them. Then they come back and they are the person you love, considerate, caring, and generous, and you would do anything to keep them. It's awful.
And I understand that Ron went through this for over a decade with me, before my diagnosis. But only a psychologist could tell me why Ron started binge drinking when I got better. I will never understand that, but the timing is very clear, right after I started on my medication, Ron accelerated the drinking. Now I am basically fine (clinically speaking, I still go up and down but nothing too wild), and he's anything but. It's AWFUL.
So we finished work and came home. Since I had been sleep deprived (but I had Torbie!) I took a nap. I woke up on my own at around 1, with a headache. I took something and got up, went to get a drink, and found Ron passed out on the kitchen floor.
[sigh] At least he was pretty quiet during my nap.
Here's the fun part, Eric is coming over. He is doing something computer related, and then we're going out to dinner. It may be the 2 of us, if Ron doesn't sober up. I have no problem going out if Ron is impaired and on the floor.
Going to be a big eye opener for Eric. He reads the blog and comments sometimes. You know all that in the blog? I wasn't kidding. [sigh] I would have rather had a more presentable husband, though. But Eric is coming in 2-3 hours and I don't think Ron will be ready by then.
Well, Al-anon says don't let the drunk (not their word) stop your life, so I won't. I cleaned the drains, working on a load of laundry, did my God Time. All while Ron's flat on the floor, moaning occasionally. Oh, snoring now. I just need to bag up some Driver Candy.
He has 53 minutes to make trips for tomorrow. Let me see if he did. Nope. No trips. I'm not going to wake him up. I'm not going to make the trips for him. Let him pay for cabs, and maybe he will learn. See, I don't enable. An enabler would be having vapors right about now.
I'm just sad. This isn't my husband. This is the lowest common denominator. But now and then I get an inspiring peek that the old Ron is in there.
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